


Being Sad is Not a Crime

by spriteseason



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Alcoholism, Angst, Avengers - Freeform, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky Barnes Remembers, Chaos, Endgame, Eventual Smut, Everyone Needs A Hug, F/M, Father Figure, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Heavy Angst, Hydra (Marvel), Implied/Referenced Suicide, Infinity War, Marvel - Freeform, Multi, PTSD, Platonic Relationships, Protective Bucky Barnes, Protective Sam Wilson, Protective Steve Rogers, Romantic Fluff, Sam Wilson Is a Good Bro, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Tony Stark Father Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Violence, Whump, Winter Soldier - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2021-02-08
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:33:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27200483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spriteseason/pseuds/spriteseason
Summary: Tony Stark was a tough man to crack, but his age showed his weakness for those around him. He began on a high of money, fame, success- yet his softness would always seep through in the toughest of times. Fatherhood was simply in his nature.Y/N, however, that was a whole other story. To say she was a sheltered, manic person was an understatement, but everyone cracks at some point. That just depends if they can get there in time.Far gone in her ways, working for the world of "good" whilst indulged in the addictive nature of the bad. She never wanted to be good, she tells herself that- she practically tells everyone that. And a certain someone relates to her, more than she could ever know.Content Warning:This story is loosely based on my own struggles with alcoholism and sucide ideation, please read at caution. This will not be a fanfic tied directly to romanticising addiction, suicide etc. This is a fanfic that embraces those attributes to everyday life, this will not be the love interest saving the reader with a hug and a kiss, I intend to do it justice. Fluff is still included, dont you worry, I simply just love complex character development.
Relationships: Avengers Team/Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, Loki/Reader, Natasha Romanov (Marvel)/Reader, Sam Wilson/Reader, Sebastian Stan/Reader, Steve Rogers/Reader, Thor/Reader, Tony Stark & Reader
Comments: 29
Kudos: 125





	1. Introduction to The Consumer

Tuesdays were terrible days.

Utterly, truly **_shit_ **days.

Not because the day is a reminder that the weekend before and the weekend ahead are both out of reach, but because Tuesdays meant Y/N had to have her check ins with Dr Flatt. The walk alone was unbearable, cutting through blocks paraded by students and obnoxious dog-owners believing they owned the entire path. Not only that, but the weather simply reflected the misery that was about to come from the useless appointment. Regardless, Y/N hooked her fingers around her lighter and sparked it, the comforting sensation of the smoke littering her lungs was enough to calm her whilst she stepped around the crowds of teens.

 _"One day"_ She thought.

_"One day- I'll find a route that doesn't remind me how shitty this area is."_

The building came into view, the bleak browns and blacks of the bricks would convince any bystander that she was turning herself in. She was not turning herself into police, but it may as well have been. No, Y/N was turning herself into the arms of her therapist. Taking the last puff of the cigarette, she scrunched it under the heel of her boot and gripped tight onto her jacket sleeves. It wasn't nerves that caused this habit, of tugging and pulling at any cloth nearby, it was dread. Pure, bubbling, seething _dread_. Fumbling in her pockets she clutched onto the edges of her keys tightly, digging the steel into the palm of her fists. 

It felt nice to feel, to feel something external. 

\---

"So tell me, since our last session, what have you achieved?"

"Achieved?" She scoffed in disbelief.

"I'm here against my will, to recover from reckless behaviour and suicidal ideation, and you're asking me about _achievements_?"

"You know, Y/N, you know what I mean. Small little tasks, projects- things that have brought you joy or some form of success!" He smiled, the crows feet crinkling as he beamed a smile. Whether the smile was due to believing his mediocre practice was working, or fear that Y/N would jab him with her keys was a mystery. What was more of a mystery, to Y/N, is why this man genuinely believed his patient would do anything positive for herself.

"Uh, well, I went out with friends, had some laughs-" Dr Flatt's irritating smile appeared yet again.

"We went to The Cabin- or no it was Jack's? I dont remember. But yeah, we went out for drinks and I broke into the bar when the manager was out front for a ciggie and cleared half of his stock whilst high on my pills." Y/N grinned, a sad smile to be honest, but she held it with her hands slapped against her bruised knees. 

"Well, Y/N, we can acknowledge this as a setback at least, because as you know every-"

"Every addiction has its ups and downs, I know, believe me I do." Y/N slumped in her seat, fiddling with the drawstrings of her hoodie. 

"And what does Sam think of this, Tony even?"

Quiet

No snarky retort.

"They do know of this incident, right...Y/N?" Dr Flatt's head tilt like a confused puppy, jotting down nonsense in his book. Y/N tutted and looked the other way, pulling the strings in haste. She felt the bubble of nerves and anger in her stomach. She didn't not tell them, they knew very well where she was and what she was going to do, they're not oblivious. Hell, who do you think got her in this chair, in this bleak room, in the shittiest part of New York-

"Y/N. You're zoning again, tell me, what's on your mind?" 

"Heh, wh-whats on my mind?" She spluttered a chuckle, a chuckle mixed with nervousness. She swiped the tears from her cheek, smearing last night's eyeliner with it. 

"Well, there's so much y'know? Wondering what led me here, wondering why I even bother turning up at this rate. I'm inconsolable, you said. I'm a wreck, I am on the most manic high of my life at the moment. You can tell me that my "problem" has its ups and down, and sure, you're not wrong. But tell me Dr, what mantra do you suggest to me when I tell you that I cannot distinguish the difference between the ups and downs?" 

The shift in the room came from Flatt's stiff posture and the silence within the piss-yellow walled room. A dry laugh elicit from Y/N's throat as she bounced her knee against the tile floor.  


"You cant say can you? Better yet, you wont. Not because you don't know, but you dont care. Not really, you write down vague shit in that black book of yours because Tony says so. You just cant refuse him, not out of sympathy for me, or him, but because you know he has a nice, neatly written cheque with your name all over it! And  don't lie to me Doc, we know you're being paid a hell of a lot of money to put up with Tony's incompetent sideshow freak." Y/N spat, hoisting herself out of the seat, hand tight on the handle of her backpack whilst she typed a brief text to Sam.

"I'd say that summarises today session, dont you?" Dr Flatt nodded in response, hastily gathering his papers into his briefcase. 

She ripped the door open, pinching a cigarette inbetween her teeth as she glanced back to the quivering man.

"Don't piss your pants, Doc, Tony wont cut your cheque." 

As she took one step out of the room, her phone buzzed.

[ **Sam:]**

** 20 mins huh? **

** Someone's gotten soft. **

** Meet you outside of the Tower x **

\---

She fled down the narrow hallway, boot clad feet bouncing down the tiled floor in a hurry as her chest tightened and tightened. The narcissism presented in the therapist's office wasn't a genuine representation of her true feelings, merely an act of extreme cockiness to dismiss anything that hits her hard, gets too close to breaking her down. So, she responses in pure spite, not anger, but spite. Venom dripping, cruel. cold-hearted spite. For a woman of her short build, she would be the last person you'd deem as a cruel brute. That's the beauty of stereotype, it can always prove you wrong. 

** [TO: Sam]  **

** nearly there **

** hope u didnt get ur feathers in a twist waiting 4 me **

She smiled down at the screen, popping the phone into her pocket as she hummed to the music from her earphones. Her corduroy jacket was soaked from the downpour, the hoodie beneath was practically a used flannel, drenching the skin beneath. Her stomach began to ache from the events of the night previous, her hand twitching from withdrawal. She didn't bat an eye to the discomfort, merely focused on the quickest route home- to the Tower. 

Her sickly complexion was noted by passing people, concern or disgust seemed the same to Y/N, as any authoritive figure in place to "help" quickly revealed to her their true intentions and needs. Yet, she was used to it. Not to fall down the overused victim/outcast title, but Y/N was indeed, very lonely in terms of relatability to those around her. Although her childhood was a repressed memory, she could never quite grasp the interests of teenagers her age, not that she had any hereself, she was taught better than to hold onto a skill,talent or quirk as she knew she would simply disappoint herself in the long run. She was taught to fight, defend, never let anyone in. Once she was in her mid twenties, poetry did interest her, though many of its kind did portray the same weak minded outlook on life, the existential crisis approach just felt cheap and ironic to her. Y/N simply kept to herself, herself and the cheapest bottle of alcohol- the closest smell to acetone the better. 

Speaking of which, her hand clasped onto the change in her pocket as she approach the liquor store. Her sunglasses disguised her black eyes, and of course, identity. Then again, who'd expect the "daughter" of Tony Stark to be rummaging in downtown for alcohol.

"Hey buzz, can I get a pack of Malboro and the umm...the litre bottle of Jack you have over there?"

"The Honey one?"

"No, no, nothing fancy for me just the regular." He smiled, turned quickly to grab her choices and placed them on the counter.

"Now, can I interest you in any of my fancy, one of a kind lighters?" He chuckled, referring to the small selection on display. Overly sexualised pin ups, lions, skulls and classic block colours were for picking, none of which really interested her.

"Not today pal, not really my style." She smirked, tossing her notes on the table and saluting goodbye with goodies in hand. Probably the only normal conversation that tends to take place within her day to day. Turning around the alley between the apartment next door and the liquor store, Y/N undid the bottle and took a swig- more so of a chug of the whiskey. The liquid only warmed her chest as it slid down her throat, the burning sensation or the taste dulled by her continous consumption of the brand. Content with her "top-up", she shoved the bottle under her arm and continued on to the Tower.

Her phone buzzed again.

** [Sam] **

** Its not my feathers you have to worry about.  **

** Sorry kid, u are in for it. **

"Fuck."


	2. Fracture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the reader receives a "stern" talking to from the biggest hypocrite of the century.

Quick pacing with a bottle of alcohol and a cigarette already lit in your mouth is not as aesthetically pleasing as some may make it out to be. Not to mention if you havent ate, slept and you're pushing past aggressive businessmen and stuck-up students. Nevertheless, Y/N's heart sank as she got closer and closer to the Tower.

In a pathetic bid to make her "talk" less damaging on her soul- or her oncoming headache, she tried her hardest to shove the half full bottle in her jacket pocket, the comparison of the small pocket and large bottle was bound to show it, indeed, would not fit. But she was determined to hide her purchase before the elevator doors opened.

But alas, here she stood. Drenched head to toe with her bottle still visible, in the eyes of Tony and Sam. She wasn't a deer in headlights, no, she was a baby turtle upside down, about to be devoured by a pack of scavengers on the sandy bay of the beach, the tide ever so cl-

"Get in here, we're going to the meeting room." Tony stated coldly, Sam stood behind him, his eyes glancing anywhere but hers, feelings of shame and guilt for confiding into Tony. She stumbled out of the lift, nearly dropping her bottle and belongings all over the floor of the Tower.

"Meeting room? Surely thats not nec-"

"What wasn't necessary, was you threatening another therapist and stealing cases of booze. Yet, here we are Y/N. Now, hurry up. Everyones waiting for you."

"Everyone?" She questioned, embarrassment melting the cold demeanor for a split second before anger erupted.

"I don't need a fucking ultimatum, Tony. I'm a grown woman for fucks sake!" She shouted, swinging her bottle slightly as if it was a weighted weapon.

"Oh you are? Really? Could've fooled me!" He retorted, his voice raised enough to make Sam cringe behind him. He stepped closer, hand tight around the glass bottle. Deep down, they both knew Y/N would break down into tears the second he walked out the room.

But he didn't want that, he also didn't want her to knock him or herself, unconscious with the bottle. He was practically in her eyeline, he could see the tufts of hair move ever so slightly, her nostrils flared an the bags of her eyes drooped yet the tears were sharp, pooling down her reddened cheeks.

"Well isn't that just fucking ironic." She spat, her chest beating heavy in exhaustion and anger. Tony's demeanor dropped, shoulders slack. He glanced between the bottle and her eyes. He saw her hurt, her anger and frustration, he wasn't stupid. Despite his theatrics of the glamour and the fame, he had feelings, many of them. Thats what led them to meet after all. All that pain she carried in her voice and eyes, it reminded him of the day he found her, lost and afraid. She looked just the same as that day, and that did not sit well with him.

He tightened his grip before yanking it out of her hand. He stepped closer, mouth close to her ear.

"Get in the _fucking_ meeting room now."

He seethed, tossing the bottle into the cabinet and walking down the hall.

She fumed, she would have given him an earful if he didnt walk away. That's one thing she hated, he knew her weakness, she wanted and craved response, a threat- and Tony never gave it to her. She could kick, spit, punch and destroy all of his cars, and he would never give in and elicit a loud or vulnerable response out of anger. Today, he got very close, but showed her that she had hurt him truly.

"Y/N, I don't want to seem like I'm lecturing you, nor am I taking sides, but you gotta understand kid-"

"Sam...I know. Just, give me a sec, please." She looked at him with pleading eyes, to which he nodded whilst throwing her a small smile. She nodded for him to leave as she peeled the wet jacket off of her body. He took his cue and wandered down the hall. As she was about to set off to her floor for some clothes until she saw the Pink Floyd shirt on the side with a towel.

She smiled, a small crack, but a smile nonetheless.

\---

Y/N underestimated how cold rich homes were. The meeting room was no exception, the glass walls, steel black floor, electrical equipment practically grew from the ground like invasive vines.

But the table

Y/N hated the table.

It was long, glass topped sometimes with odd cups of coffee and cascades of paperwork. But the length made meetings like this feel like she was back in court. Everyone stared at her seat at the head of the table. Her outfit wasn't exactly meeting appropriate, a grey hoodie lent from Sam, the infamous Pink Floyd top, her damp jeans and bare feet. However, the gathering wasn't for the usual discussions.

She didn't prepare for any other people to be there, she fiddled with the hem of the top and began to bob her knee yet again. Her eyes darted around nervously. See, she expected him to have called Steve in, his sympathetic attitude only went so far, as his stern gaze and crossed arms mirrored that of a disappointed parent. Dr Cho sat patiently in the corner of the room, fiddling with god knows what. Sam was slumped in the seat opposing Steve, guilt ridden and pitiful to say the least. Tony stood at the other end of the table, pacing up and down with his sleeves rolled. Nat sat close by, nonchalant as if she had prepared for this meeting like any other. She see atleast expected them to be here, but she didn't expect him to be there.

Bucky.

She liked Bucky, she knew him fairly well from their missions of course, but also their time in the Tower where they'd train, sit nearby eachother watching movies on off days or breakfasts in silence. And breakfast for Bucky was Y/N returning home from her wild escapades of the evening previous.

She didn't want him here, to see this. Silence killed her, the impatience of her nature mixed with the knowing looks gave her a sickening feeling no mix of substance could produce. Her knee bounced harder, the tapping of her heel hitting the cool tile made her shiver.

"Y/N, you're here today because-"

"Because what Steve, you're worried about me? Fearful I'm gonna neck myself or what? Get the theatrics over with."

"For god sake Y/N have some fucking respect." Tony spat, slamming his fist into the table. She flinched, silence hit once more, Bucky simply sent Y/N a pitiful smile.

"We called your closest people in light of today's incident." Y/N held her face in her hands, rubbing her temples and smearing evidence of her old makeup across her cheeks.

"Y/N we are worried about you, take that as you will. But you can't stop us from worrying, and when we worry, we are going to want to do what we can to make sure you're well." Steve continued, gesturing his hand around the room.

"Well or alive?"

"Both." Nat chimed, her face stoic. Y/N scoffed, licking her cracked lips and batting away the tears forming.

"Well you needn't worry, fellas, I'm sadly still kicking around, so there's no need to worry about the press spreading rumours if I do kick the bucket."

"And what makes you think that press is a concern right now?" Tony questioned walking closer to her side of the table.

Wiping her cheek and leaning forward in her seat, she looked up at him.

"Do you really want me to answer that question, Tony? Or shall I give Flatt another call?" She smiled, yet she was anything but happy. Tony looked her dead in the eye, his brown eyes fixated on hers, a cold stare that said everything he needed to. She didn't flinch, merely stared straight back.

To say the tension was thick would be an understatement.

"JARVIS, call Fury, tell him I'm gonna be away for a few days. Tell him Y/N is on house arrest until further notic-"

"Oh you have got to be fucking kidding me." She lunged for him, but he grabbed her wrists, crossed them to her chest and pressed her back against the wall closest to the door. He looked her dead in the eye, unfazed by the pairs of eyes darting his way.

"Think about this, this very moment. Think long and hard, Y/N, whether its in a day, or two, or when you're recovered, when you're sat in your rocking chair, whatever. Every and any situation you're thinking, you'll be thanking me."

He let her go, she slumped against the wall as her legs buckled.

"Guys, I wont be gone long. Rules are simple, no booze, drugs yadda yadda. And don't let her out of this Tower. No exceptions." He stated, grabbing his jacket and sunglassess and swinging the door open.

"No problem Stark, we got it." Steve nodded knowingly, Tony held his gaze, dropped his cold demeanor long enough to shed a tear before slamming the door behind him. Nat was next to leave. Cho began to talk to Y/N, about withdrawal symptoms, staying hydrated and the routine for the "week" to follow but at that point, she was vacant. Her eyes stared straight ahead, her knees tucked under her chin as she continued to stay seated on the tile floor, void of any emotion than hopelessness. Sam had his head in his hands, seated at the table still. Steve was lost in thought, glancing between Cho and Y/N, desperate to see some form of emotion.

Bucky slid out of his seat once Cho had finished, walked over to the huddled over girl and crouched down so he was in eye level, his steel blue eyes peaking between his now curtained hair. He atleast wanted to attempt to provide some comfort or help, whether it made a small or big impact didnt matter as long as it did something. She slowly fell out of trance, and appeared panicked once she noticed how close he truly was. Tactical gear alone made him appaear so stone cold, yet he smiled and approached her timidly, not because he saw her as fragile or weak, but because he didn't want to overwhelm her in a situation that already escalated.

"Hey, doll, you with me? This okay, me being this close?" He asked, the rasp in his voice evidently from a quick cry he had before the meeting, which Y/N as usual, was oblivious to. She nodded in response, her nails digging into the flesh peaking from her now torn jeans.

"How bout I fix you somethin' to eat whilst you sort yourself out, you must be freezin'!" He chuckled sadly, placing his hands softly around her wrists to move her hands from causing any more damage. Her Y/C/E iris widened, not at the movement, the fact someone wasn't scolding her. She shouldn't give in however her stomach betrayed her with an agonizing growl.

"I gotcha covered, come down in 10 and I'll fix you whatever you want. We can start small with meals, don't wanna cause any upset y'know?" She simply nodded again, Bucky sworn he saw the corner of her mouth quiver into a small smile, yet he didn't want to get his hopes up. He knew, better than anyone, this takes time.

"O-Okay good, well see you then." He stood up, offering her a hand in which she denied, nuzzling her head on her knees. He almost felt defeated but wanted to prove he stuck by his word.

"I'll keep an eye on her a sec and take her to her floor, 'M gonna move my stuff into the room across anyways for a bit. Jus y'know...to be sure." Sam mumbled to Bucky before he left, knowing Y/N heard every word yet didn't protest. Steve nodded as he pressed a hand to Y/N's shoulder.

"You can bite my head off as many times as you want, Y/N, but I'm not giving up on you, you know that, deep down. I just know it." He ruffled her hair, and reluctantly dipped out of the room. It was just her and Sam.

"Oh kid...what are we gonna do?"

She looked up at him, empty eyes and a wobbling lip. Her walls were breaking.

God damnit Tony.


	3. Spiritless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Y/N's connection.
> 
> Steve's guilt and Bucky's determination.
> 
> This is a slow burn, I know. I just want to add some context and also some meat to the story rather than going off and miscommunicating Y/N's story and mannerisms.

Sam guided Y/N up the stairs, she didnt find too much appeal in seeing the puke she had left in the lift in her arrival to the Tower. Although lengthy, the stairs were a safer option for Sam too, to make sure Y/N didn't run off again.

"C'mon kid, lets get you cleaned up." Sam had Y/N propped to his side, arm under her and using his spare hand to cling onto the rail. She mumbled something incoherent as they got closer to her room. Using the same spare hand, he pried the door open and felt his stomach slightly drop. He wasn't foreign to a depressive pit, nor did he judge- he had been there himself returning from war after losing Riley. But it didn't mean he was okay with it.

The spacious room opened to her small lounge area; what once was a lovely, dark-oak coffee table was now practically camoflagued in beer cans and mixtures of spirits. Curtains and blinds drawn, the room was dark and cold. The cold tile of the floor simply added to the feeling that this was more of a ward or prison like than a room, a home. Her bookshelf was chaos, the books of sorts pulled in haste all over the floor with piles of paper and scribbles of messy handwriting. He sighed, and knew that this wasn't the first time.The sofa was littered with pillows and her comforter-

 _"She's still not sleeping in her bed."_ Sam thought to himself, as she plopped down on the bundles of blankets and hoodies, it was practically a nest. She nuzzled into the blankets and began to lightly snore. He'd have left her to rest if she wasn't still shaking from the confrontation. He felt extremely pitiful of Y/N, not only did he have a soft spot for the outspoken and hot-headed girl, but he understood her pain, her trauma. He and Tony were the only ones aware of her past, the only ones even granted access to the file besides Fury. That's something Sam promised her, no matter how many times the others prod and pry about her night terrors, her deflection to being touched by anyone but him, her aggression against the louder men in the group- he'd never tell. It simply wasn't his place to tell. Besides, he couldn't even _stomach_ the discussion. 

"Shit. I can't just leave it like this." Sam muttered, rubbing his hand against his head. He glanced and spotted a discarded, plastic bag. He began to shuffle the cans into the bag, he didnt fear waking Y/N from her nap as she hadn't slept for nearly two days. How he knew? FRIDAY keeps logs of her general activity across the Tower, for safeguarding of her wellbeing. He'd noted that she was in the gymnasium at 2am until 4pm, overworking herself as usual, then she got ready at 5 and hadn't home until her consoltation- the day after. She'd managed to get drunk, sofa crash and go to her therapy appointment. How this girl hadn't fallen apart yet he didnt know. But what he did know, was that inevitable day was coming closer than he anticipated. Her progress was clearly not improving.

Sam really wanted her to wash, so after he had tidied her lounge, he went to the bathroom. Now, it wasn't some candlelit, bubble bath and rose petal scattered type of deal- no, Sam knew better than to make something romantic and cushy out of a manic episode. He turned the shower on, checked the temperature wasn't scolding, prepared towels and grabbed some clean clothes and waited a few minutes for her to stir. When he had went to collect some clothes, however, he noted the backpack thrown on the bed- it had clearly been packed. He didn't pry anymore, but kept note of it.

\---

"Sam I can do this myself."

"Y/N, _please_ , just let me help. You're beat up, shaking- I can't just leave you here. I jus don't-"

"Trust me?" She didn't need to look at him to know the answer. She complied, however, stripping down into her underwear and sat underneath the shower head, knees tucked under her chin as her arms held them tight to her chest. Sam squeezed the remainding shampoo into the palm of his hand and began to massage it into her scalp, careful to not allow the suds to hurt her eyes or the grazes on her cheeks. She hummed and tilted her head back for ease, Sam used a small jug to help rid of the suds, and then combed conditioner through with his hands. This had become a small routine between the pair after emotionally taxing missions, this was nothing different. A simply platonic gesture between two trusting friends.Comfort was needed in the profession, to say the least. Plus, Sam was family to Y/N, and vice versa.

He glanced around the small washroom, the grey tiles really made the atmosphere that much more miserable. Everyone else had decorations, photographs, colour- Y/N decided against it. She didn't have anything to show, to be truthful. Her whole area was simply bleak. He looked over at the small case of bodywash in her organiser, a simple strawberry scent to it. He found the flannel and put a hefty amount onto the cloth.

"Arms up, Y/N." She didn't retort in anger, or sarcasm- she simply kept her head down, legs crossed and allowed Sam to help her. No one knew of this other than Steve, who had walked in on the pair and of course, thought something was going on. Sam quickly confirmed that it was to help Y/N after she had been tortured after being sent out for intel on a drug cartel.

Sam continued to wash her, her arms, her bruised legs, thighs and stomach. After she washed her more intimate parts, she allowed the shower to wash the soap and he used the cloth to scrub her back, and that is when he felt it. Her body began to shake, she tried so hard to hide her sobs but he couldn't ignore the way her body bobbed as the misery and sadness kicked in. She pressed the palms of her hands into her eyes, and screamed. Sam immediately knelt to her height from the side of the tub.

" _WHY_! Why, why why why-"

"Hey, listen to me Y/N, I'm right here just grab my hand and we can get you out." He turned off the water, grabbed the towel and wrapped her in it. Pulling her tight to his chest, he felt the sobs wrench out of her throat in croaks and cracked cries. She pressed her face into the crook of his neck, mumbling incoherant words into his shoulder. 

He carried her in the towel into the lounge, throwing the spare shirt across his shoulder as he placed her on his lap on the sofa.

"Shhh, jus gon' throw this on you, dry your hair a little and get you ready to grab some food. Bucky makes a mean mac n cheese." He soothed her, drying her shoulders and allowing her to peel the soaked underwear off in privacy as he held the towel in front of his eyeline. After she pulled the baggy shirt over her body, she sat inbetween his legs and tried to calm herself down, hiccups of cries still erupted.

"Take your time, kid-"

"Why did he take me in Sam? All I cause is pain, I am just a freaky kid he found and brought in to save, he has to realise by now he just cant. And when he does, he'll get rid of me."

"Don't say that, you know Tony cares about you."

"I'm more than sure that's not true, otherwise he'd be here right now. But he left."

"Because he knows I'm here too, kid, Tony loves you like his own. You may see him as harsh, but thats because he sees himself in you. We know how bad Ton' would get, it was rough, right? He doesn't want you to keep going down that path. You gotta see that." Y/N turned her head to look Sam in the eyes, her expression was so mournful, the rings around her eyes make her appear that more sick.

"'Don't know what you expect me to say, Sam." She whispered, tugging at the sleeves of the shirt, her bare legs bobbing from nerves.

"Don't have to say anythin." He smiled sadly, curling his hand around hers and squeezing it, he needed to ground her. Keeping her aware of where she was, was vital. Her stomach groaned.

"Lets get ya to the kitchen shall we?" He passed her the pyjama bottoms and hoodie thrown on the corner of her sofa. After she'd dressed herself, they began their trail back to the communal kitchen.

\----

"They've been gone a long time Stevie, should we go see if its all okay?" Bucky asked, glancing down at the golden pasta and cheese he had prepared. He was nervous he'd cause more upset, seeing Y/N so hurt yet vacant made his stomach drop, but he'd do anything to help- even if that meant some mac'n'cheese just to feed her. She was frail these days, hidden in her blankets or hoodies or simply absent altogether. And they were close, sure, not as close as her and Sam but close regardless.

"I dunno, last time I intruded she nearly threw a bottle at my head. Not on purpose, but she umm...panicked I was an intruder, or something." Steve muttered towards the end of his sentence, as if he was questioning his own account.

"Whaddya mean?"

"She uh, well she shouted some name at me- don't remember what but it wasn't English that's for sure. 

He paused, his throat practically wobbled.

I'd never seen her so full of pain and fear. It broke my heart honestly, 'never wanna make her be scared of me. I feel like I've kinda given her a hard time for all this. I know I focus on the team, us sticking together- the good fight, y'know? But I know she's in pain and I just don't want her killing herself with all this...recklessness, trauma, fear? I dunno...Buck, you honestly dont know the half of it, I just don't wanna lose her to herself, none of us do." He glanced down at his coffee, Bucky swore he saw a few tears in Steve's eyes but didn't pry.

"I'm sure you wont Steve, we wont. We will make sure of it." Bucky sent his longtime pal a sympathetic look, he knew Steve must really care about Y/N to put her in front of being a superhero, but he didn't want his friend to hurt anymore than this.

"Thanks Buck, I'd say talk to her more yourself but right now I'd leave it. Unless, of course, she approaches you. Just...don't let her take advantage, she's hurting I know but that means she will do anything she can to get what she wants. Albiet drugs, alcohol- dont let her trick you. No matter how angry she gets." Steve spoke sternly, his grip around his coffee cup tight. 

"Gotcha." He smiled weakly, stirring the remainder of his food with his fork.

"Any room for us?" Sam chimed, his arm around Y/N. Any bystander would assume they're a couple by how close they were pressed against eachother, until you look closer and see Sam is supporting all of her body weight as she slowly tred to the island. As they sat on the stools, Steve and Bucky facing Sam and Y/N, the silence was deafening.

"Umm, Y/N, I made you some food. Didn't know if you'd be hungry- No pressure to eat it all! It didn't take me that lo-"

"Thank you, Buck." She smiled up at him as his hand held onto the bowl in the middle of the island, she slowly pried the bowl from his hands and quietly dug in. He felt a small beam of happiness and hope go through him, to give something to someone, to care for someone was all Bucky wanted and needed. He needed to feel that sense of good, because even he still suffered accepting his actions, his past. He shot her a wink, and set to the sink to wash his bowl.

Sam and Steve chattered about random things from that day, not just to fill the silence but because the day had been so hectic. Y/N simply chewed on small mouthfuls of food. She still seemed absent, but Bucky was just grateful to see her out of her room, or atleast home.

And truth be told, so were the others.


	4. Liquid Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It only takes one bad day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning:  
> This chapter includes major injury, violence, reckless behaviour, alcoholism and dangerous events that proceed due to intoxication.  
> Read at your own discretion, drink responsibly, stay safe.  
> -Sprite

_"She sometimes falls into the alchohole._

_Deep and dark and wet,_

_trying hard to stay_

_afloat_

_whilst gulping liquid death. Knowing_

_all too well_

_that the bottomless pit offers nothing but sorrow,_

_guilt_

_and regret. Though_

_she tends to forget."_

\---

The week was going well, atleast for the condition Y/N had been in. Sure, she would be locked away in her room staring at the ceiling or drifting off into space during movie night. But she spoke more, seemed slightly more grounded than the days previous. Sam still moved in to the room facing opposite, just to be sure. She'd been screaming in her sleep a lot, and he wanted to make sure he was able to get there before she caused any damage to herself or the others. He knew better than to just wake someone during a night terror, so he would lie next to her and allow her body to warm to his until she began to stop contorting. She'd still be yelling, but more controlled. It gave him comfort knowing he could provide her with something useful.

Her morning routine consisted of slumping to the kitchen for a coffee, Bucky would cook her small breakfasts, insisting he'd only be making his anyway so it wasn't any detriment to him. In reality, it gave Bucky something to provide, cooking for someone he cared about so much. She wouldn't always speak much, not that he was the most talkative himself, but they'd exchange a few smiles and even had a few conversations when she felt a bit happier that day.

He began watching TV with her for around an hour, both of them with coffees in hand as they watched the local news, reruns of childhood cartoons- anything to occupy her. He even learned a bit more about Y/N, she giggled watching Adventure Time- Bucky had no idea what the show was but still beamed seeing her in her element. You'd assume she was just a regularly functioning girl, albiet the scars on her face and the purple bags under her eyes. She still wasn't sleeping all too well. He heard her scream, yet didn't want to intervene, he knew better than to get in the way of someone so vulnerable, plus he knew Sam had it covered.

So you'd imagine his surprise of what happened Monday evening.

\---

Y/N had woken around 5pm, turning in her bed restlessly as night stretched.

Her nights became more erratic, she had become accustomed to staring at her ceiling, sitting by the open window and smoking as she sobbed. She would shove blankets under her door so no smoke or sound of her sobs would alert Sam. She was anything but glamourous in her state, crying by the window always looked so aesthetically captivating in the dramaticised movies. Instead, Y/N sat hunched with a blanket wrapped around her frame, cigarette trembling between her fingertips as she felt mositure of the rain flick her face. The outstrech of the court was vast, the new Tower was secluded and surrounded by trees, a few cars littered in the small carpark but that was as much life as she could see. She smacked her head hard against the thick glass in her anger, ruffling her hair in her hands as they slid back and forth across her face. She felt so hot and cold at the same time, she felt memories creeping into her head little by little.

 _"_ I don't wanna be me, don'' wan be me, don't wan be me anymore. Doesn't fuckin stop." She mumbled into her hands, nails digging into the sides of her cheeks. She silently cried, praying to any God that had pity on her to not let anyone see her how she was.

\--

When making herself a coffee, Y/N had sneakily test the locks on the alcohol, realising the kitchen had been babyproofed with FRIDAY denying her any access to the cupboard and she'd then learned, after running to the nearest restroom, she'd been denied access to the medicine cabinet.

"You've got to be fucking KIDDING ME!" She roared, throwing her mug into the sink, watching the ceramic shatter. She'd nicked her fingers attempting to shuffle the ceramic around. Sam quickly bounced into the room from one of the small gyms, panic overtook him to immediately find Y/N.

"Woah, whats wrong?" He saw her, delirious, hands clutched around a shard of her mug, hair stuck in odd positions, eyes red raw, darting around.

"W-Whats wrong?! I'm being treated like a fucking baby! S-See this Sam-" She vigourously shook the thumbprint lock of the alcohol cupboard, greeting herself with the sound of rattling bottles.

"It's fucking locked, babyproofed! This is ridiculous, I do not understand why this is was even considered-"

"Y/N, you're having withdrawals, I understand. You gotta see that we can't trust you around that yet, you're still on house arrest, we've talked about this." He held his hands out to her, as if he was guiding her away from a ledge. Which, in a way, he was.

"Just come with me, we can go somewhere to talk about this, whatever- just come here okay?"

"Don't- don't fucking do that Sam! Don't-" She shouted, rubbing her temples. She was becoming tired of his pity, her hand stretched out, and she tapped the shard against the side of her throat.

"Y/N, put it down." His voice became louder, firmer. He, unlike Y/N, had heard the footsteps of concerned members of the Tower get closer.

"You act like I'm so fucking weak Sam, both of us know that's not fucking true. Stop pretending!" She screamed, flinging the shard into the corkboard on the fridge to the side of her, it landed straight into the centre.

"I don't act like you're weak, Y/N, I'm actually looking out for you so you dont fucking kill yourself!" He roared, slamming his hand into the cabinet.

"Well, you're wasting your fucking breath Sam." She sneered, the small nick on her finger had spread lines of blood across her face from rubbing it. She was so warm, her hands shaking immensly, throat dry, eyes darting wildly. She hadn't noticed yet but Bucky and Steve were slowly approaching her, wanting to get a hold of her before she went into a complete frenzy.

She'd noticed.

"Get the fuck-Get the fuck AWAY from me!" She screamed grabbing the chair next to her and holding it like some unique weapon, had the situation not been so dire, they'd have laughed. That was until she fumbled with her pocket and grabbed tight onto the knife. It was her training knife, she'd tight grip on it and aimed it towards the pair. Steve held hands up in defense, Bucky simply stood still, his heart breaking slightly. They had to get her to safety.

"You're treating me like I'm fucking crazy-"

"You're not crazy-"

"Then stop treating me as if I am!" She threw the chair at him, and it almost took Steve off guard from how strong the throw was, yet he'd caught it in his hand.Y/N was sobbing, tears dripping down her face as she screamed at Steve.

"Have you even seen my file?! I'm fucking hurt Steve!"

"What file, Y/N?" She scoffed, slumping back into the cabinet, she stumbled and dropped to the floor.

"Sam?" Steve looked at him, Sam couldn't even look him in the eye. He leant on the case, head dropped into his crossed arms like a student napping in class.

Steve's eyes darted between Sam and Y/N.

"Oh my god." He croaked, a sob threatening to come out. Whether from anger or sadness was unknown.

Bucky just knew that pitiful and knowing look before it even reached his eyeline.

What was in her file?

"Don't, Steve." Sam warned. He stuck by his word.

A smash took them by surprise, Y/N had smashed her hand into the cabinet so hard it'd shattered. She desperately gripped the bottle she'd been searching for and ran. Steve caged her in his arms but she'd bit him, despite her small frame she was able to bounce out of his arms and push him hard. She ran to the lift before any of them could reach. Steve began to pull at the doors, trying to pry it open before she could escape, but it was too late.

"I'll get the top floors, Sam you go below. Bucky-"

"Steve I'm coming to help."

"Buck...I appreciate it, but I'm not letting this hurt you. Just stay her-"

"I said I'm helping, for fucks sake Steve lets go." Bucky yelled, the whir of his arm emphasizing his anguish. Steve gulped, moreso in surprise.

"O-Okay, come on. She couldn't have gotten far."

\---

Y/N chuckled dryly as she'd snatched the keys from Tony's lab, unlocking the car bottle in hand and started the engine.

The roar excited her, gave her adrenalin mxing with the liqour she had downed. She was fully intoxicated, fumbling with the small buttons of the car.

The garage opened directly into the wide courtyard, although it wasn't completely paved yet.

She accelerated quickly, flying onto the smooth concrete of the landing pad. She laughed loudly, though not from happiness. Y/N didnt slow.

Swigging from the bottle until empty, she tossed it aside and gripped the wheel, her eyesight distorted completely. She took sharp turns, the freedom she felt burned her. The wind harshly slapping her in the face.

She didnt slow down.

And so when the boys finally reached outside the compound, pure horror flooded them when they saw one of Tony's cars crashed into a pillar close to the entrance of the building.

_"Y/N!!"_

Smoke

Destruction

complete _chaos_...

Was definately something Tony wasn't expecting to be welcomed home with.


	5. Rainbows Can Come From Dark Basements

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Injury Description, Medical Settings and Operations.  
> A turning point for Y/N, to say the least.  
> This chapters smaller as I wanted to preserve their little moment together without diluting it with another deep conversation or movement in the story. More to come with the feels, of course.  
> I'm sure we all know who I plan to have a talk with Y/N next.
> 
> Chapter Inspiration:   
>  Her OST- Dimensions  
> Arcade Fire- Song on the Beach

The soft beep of the monitor preventing Bucky's head from lulling over due to sleep deprivation.

Two days .

Two days she'd been asleep for, or rather unconscious for. Bucky' stomach still dropped everytime he looked over at Y/N, the gash on her cheek covered in gauze, the bruising around her neck, the grazes on her arm, her other one broken. She looked ghastly, so near death. Bucky had her hand in his, as some way to keep her alive, keep her grounded- prevent her leaving despite the fragility of it against his big palm. She was threaded with more tubes and wires than Bucky could count, all he remembers was Bruce panicking as they'd brought her in.

And Tony.

Tony was a wreck.

_"Y/N!" Tony sobbed, throwing his bags to the floor and immediately rushing over to the smoking demolition. Steve's stomach drop at the sight of him, as he then glanced at the car._

_It was gonna blow for sure._

_"Tony! It's gon blow!" Steve yelped, the boys rushing to grab him._

_"Get the fuck off of me!"_

_"It's not safe, leave us-"_

_"We are getting her out of there, now!"_

_"Tony-"_

_"Get. Her. OUT!"_

_Bucky felt a surge of adrenalin take over him, he needed to get her out. He wasn't going to let her die, not for her sake, Tony's, Sam's- even his own. He couldn't live if she died, not just getting by miserably, he wouldn't be able to live. He'd caused so much damage in his 'previous' life, he intended to ammend some atleast. He rushed to what was left of the door by the drivers side, realising the seatbelt had tangled itself around her neck._

_"God Y/N." He choked, sniffling to attempt to silence the tears._

_The door was ripped off and thrown to the side. Bucky made sure he moved quickly to unravel the girl from her confines. Her head lulled forward, blood pooling from her nose and hand, still gripped on the bottle's remains, was cut to shreds. Her knees, bruised and bleeding profusely. Bucky was steady to lift her, realising her left arm was contorted in an awkward position, broken. He held her close in his chest, rushing away from the wreckage and-_

_Boom, flames._

_He didn't have time to recall his luck and mortality, instead he looked down at her face._

_"God Y/N." He choked, sniffling to attempt to silence the tears._

_"Oh my god." Tony breathed, standing next to Bucky as his hands pressed to his mouth in shock. Steve put his arm around Sam, who was close to breaking down, he was delirious._

_"We need to get her to Bruce, now." Steve spoke firmly, his voice was stern, but he was a lost little boy inside, tears threatening to spill. He needed to stay together for Tony, for the guys, for Y/N. Bucky nodded sharply, and began to jog down to the lab._

_The hours were a blur, Bucky leant against the glass looking into the medical bay, Bruce worked quickly with the little time he had to ensure Y/N didn't die. At any cost. The blood loss was severe, he had her banaged in time sure, but being able to get the alcohol out of her system to prevent her passing was the hard part._

_"I'm gonna have to pump her stomach, clear her out- she's drank so much."_

_"Bruce that's risky, shes unconscious."_

_"What else do you suggest then Steve?" Bruce snapped, his curls flailing as his face reddened, beads of sweat dripped down. This was the first time Steve had seen Bruce so worked up without being green._

_Seeing her body joilt, the liquids spilling- it was all too much._

_\---_

"Bucky?" 

He joilted from his seat, quickly standing over Y/N.

"Y/N?" He breathed, questioning whether she really was awake or if mania truly had taken hold of him.

She tried to move, and yelped in pain.

"Keep still, doll. You're still recoverin', I'll go get Bruce-"

"Wait, jus' one minute, please." She pleaded, he still held her hand as he felt her gently squeeze it. Bucky was speechless, and sat down in his seat.

"I didn't wanna make it out Buck, but at the same time I knew- know...I don' wan die. I'm so tired, Buck. I just don't know how to stop it. And for that, 'm sorry you had to see...it." She looked up at him from the cot, smiling weakly as she rubbed her thumb against his.

"Doll-"

"Don't...don't tell me I don' have to apologise because this is what friends are for, or that you'd do anything for me, because this-"

Y/N gestured her hand, still in his, to herself and the room.

"This...I-I pushed the line. I shoulda never put you through this, any of you. And I sure as shit can't take it back now, so let me apologise, please. Because it's all I have to give. All I got left in me is a genuine apology. You're good to me, James. 'N I'm sorry, truly, sorry." Her lip wobbled, sniffling as she looked up at the bleak ceiling. She couldn't handle looking at him, seeing him so hurt.

"Y/N, you remember when I had just came back to the Tower, after Zemo got his hands on me. I, I was a mess. Screaming every night, crying- I barely remembered you. And darlin', you never once gave up on me, you showed me how to live, how to function, how to cook even." Bucky chuckled, reminiscing on the memories of the pair baking cupcakes for Steve's 100th Birthday together.

"You never once second guessed yourself or me, an' you never let me say anythin back because you knew this wasn't my fault, even when I blamed myself so much I nearly ran away again. So, I don't accept your apology, because you don't have anything to be sorry for. Sure, I ain't happy with what you did, but I know you're not well and I'm willing to atleast stick by whilst you get through this. 'Long as you let me."

Y/N was sobbing into her sleeve.

"Why aren't you yelling at me?" She cried, hand covering her eyes.

"Now, what good would that do? Why'd you expect me to yell? 'M I that scary?" Bucky acted fake-offended, Y/N hiccuped a laugh through her tears.

"Me yellin and cursin' you does no good for you or me, hey- I'm not as sulky and broody as you may think." He sniffled, wiping his tear with his metal hand, still clinging onto hers.

"Thank you, Buck." She smiled, he heard the door knock, his cue to leave.

"Anythin' for you, truly." He stood from his seat, leaned down and held Y/N's unscathed cheek. He pressed a long kiss to the top of her head, then pressed his forehead to it as he swallowed a sob.

"I'll see you soon, doll."

"See you." She whispered, as the door clicked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like, I went against the aggressive, hostile "how could you do this?" aspect that many tend to write Bucky or any of the love interests as when there is an injured or suicidal etc. reader. Instead, I see Bucky would be the most understanding of reckless behaviour and how others guilt tripping you when you've done something "stupid" to yourself is more harmful than good. Bucky understands that Y/N is in a bad place, and would want to reassure than become angry when she is in such a vulnerable position.  
> Sorry for the ramble, just didn't want him to seem too OOC to some.


	6. Its Called Freefall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plot moving forward.
> 
> Thick plot will ensue, bare with me!

Recovering in a small, glass box wasn't the most ideal situation, nor was it the best place to be left with your thoughts. Cap visited her on occasions, avoiding the topic but he had provided her help with small gifts he had picked up from his morning run.

"I just spotted it in some small bookshop on my way back, I don't know if it's any use but-"

"Steve, I love it." She smiled teary-eyed, clutching the book to her chest. He smiled back, chuckled slightly and wiped his eyes. She brought Cap down for a hug, he squeezed her gently to his chest.

"I'm glad, really am. Once you're out of here, we gotta talk okay?" He looked at her, eyebrows furrowed slightly.

He expected a sarcastic, dry retort. Instead, she nodded, as if she was defeated.

"Okay, good."

That was a week ago, Y/N was recovering somewhat okay, her arm was still in pain but she was doing well in terms of her other injuries. She'd been doing small physio sessions in her ward, from walking up and down the hall and squats to ensure her legs were bare up once she was out of the bed. The only issue she had was her withdrawal symptoms, she'd been waking up sweating and feeling an ache in her stomach from her soft-food diet- it was as much as her stomach could handle. Her nightmares stemmed from the incident, the whole night was a blur, yes, but she couldn't stop replaying the fire- the flames engulfing her, the wreckage around her, hearing Tony cry out for her. It was all that kept replaying in her head.

"God." She choked, shaking her head slightly.

Lifting herself up slightly, she pushed her body up against the plush pillows. Wiping her eyes, she glanced to the side of her to grab her water.

A knock distracted her.

"Come in." She croaked, clasping the glass in her hand.Tony's head peaked around the metal door, had she not had been so shocked to see him she would have giggled at the gesture. He was dressed in an old AC/DC tee, black sweatpants and white socks, completely different from his typical billionaire get-up.

"Hi." He mumbled, awkwardly stepping into the ward, his hands behind his back. She could see Cap and Buck stood outside, as if they were security guards waiting to break up a fight,

"Hey." She spoke softly, pushing frayed hairs back from her eyesight. He looked worse for wear, his eyes were bloodshot, cheeks hollow and his lips cracked. His eyes looked cloudy with tears as he slid closer to the bedframe. He placed a small bear on the side table.

"God, Y/N." He almost whimpered out, his hands covering his eyes.

"Tony I-"

"I-I thought I could do this but I can't, I just I mean- _look at you_." He gestured to her, hand shaking as his voice trembled. He grabbed the chair tightly, leaning down as he took a deep breath. Y/N felt her stomach drop as she saw him. She didn't think he'd be this affected, Tony was so confident, cocky and practically fought off aliens on the daily.

"Tony it was a mistake I-I drank a lot and-"

"It's not just a mistake!"

"It was!."

"A mistake is spilling a bottle of milk, a mistake is dropping a glass, a mistake is not drunk driving a Lambo into a fucking pillar in order to kill yourself!" He yelled, nostrils flared as he spat out his thoughts. A sliver of regret fell through him as he yelled, but he attempted to keep his composure.

"Like you weren't the same. You were throwing up your guts early hours of my 18th birthday! Isn't that something you called a "mistake."

"Don't fucking do that. You know the reasons of that night, the difference is I moved on, I got help, I sorted that shit out.You know better than to bring up my past like that."

"Can't you see I can't fucking help this, think I want this?" She screamed.

Silence hit, the room felt even colder.

"Seeing you there, so fucking limp- you were so pale, your body twisted, fucking blood everywhere it just reminded me of when I found you." Y/N was silent, her mouth slightly agape. She just stood facing him, her whole body shaked.

"You were so small, so cold but I could see you were scared. Seeing you curled up in the corner of that fucking ward, you tried to hard to fight me off but we got you N' I'm so glad we did. I don't say it enough but finding you saved me, saved me for sure. N' I'm sorry for letting you down, letting this go on for so long."

"Stop, please."

"You worked so hard to get better, we made sure of it. Doing that was the best thing I ever did, I never regret finding you. Don't ever think I do." She sobbed. He rushed to her side and pulled her into him, pressing his head to hers, humming slightly to calm her as his own tears fell down his cheeks.

"You got' understand nothings gon be the same. I-I can't pretend its all alright. They're everywhere in my head, constantly fucking screaming at me." He nodded, watching her fists tighten.

"I know, I do. We will do everything we can. I shouldn't have let this go on so long."

"Ton it's not your fault. I'm a mess, you should've left me there. I have caused you so much pain Tony."

"M' sorry, so fucking sorry." Y/N repeated over and over, clinging onto his sleeves as she sobbed into the crook of his neck. He rocked her slightly, her body shivering in her nightgown as she felt Tony's hand hold her head to his chest.

"Not your fault. Y/N, believe me please, S'Not your fault." He croaked, grabbing her by the shoulders. She shook her head, as if she was defeated.

"They took everything from me."

"I know Y/N, I know-"

"All those people that died Tony, so many people. Those kids, my family-." She whimpered, looking up at Tony.

"It's not your fault."

"I want nothin' more, nothin' more than to kill every last one of _them_. If it's the only thing I get to do."

Tony looked down at the marble floor, as if it would speak something to him, anything to him that could predict what would happen if he agreed or disagreed. He stared down at his reflection, the face staring back didn't quite fit, didn't seem right. 

"Ton-"

"I cant let you do that, Y/N. You know why, you're safe now. I promise you, you're safe. And they are gone, for good."

He felt her close to objecting.

"But, if I hear anything, we will deal with it." He looked up at her, his body would have conveyed certainty if it weren't for the slight hitch in his voice, the tremble of his lip.

"Okay."


	7. True Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I think we are getting somewhere boys.
> 
> Plot ties up soon, do not fret.
> 
> Take care, and Merry Christmas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's been a while, a month break I guess. I have a lot of personal issues going on right now aswell as a lot of health complications and im working constantly. I see we hit over 500 hits which is insane to me. I used to write when I was younger and they'd be pretty popular. I missed entertaining people with my small stories. I never expect to get that big, I just like to write stories that I'd enjoy. Thank you for your patience and love on this random piece of fiction. It means a lot to me. If you get anything from this, thank you.

Cho wasn't particularly leniant with visiting hours, nor was she leniant with sneaking out of a ward three hours before redressing gashes and an x-ray. Yet, Y/N somehow found a way to sneak out and had pulled herself up the ridiculously tall set of stairs. Although weak, she wasn't a quitter. She was determined, others would say stubborn, or stupid. A bead of sweat dribbled down her forehead as she used what little body strength in her one arm to yank herself up to the common room floor. No one was around to curse her, it was 4am. All agents were either out on missions or in a coma-like sleep. She winced as she twisted her body to get up the second to last step, her ribs were still very bruised.

It had been around three weeks since the incident, Y/N had endured some of the most mundane days of her life, surviving on ramen provided by nurses in her section and constantly talks with Cho and Banner about the damage done to her liver. She was still facing the consequences of her...indulgance. Y/N felt nauseous constantly, weeping at the thought of having to swallow more than a few mouthfuls of food.

Her body had recovered decently, her mind was skewed to say the least. She felt terrible, moreso confused. She wasn't in a manic daze, nor was she self depricating and wishing her life away. She felt some form of content. Some, is the key word. But regardless, she felt as though her time spent recovering allowed her to be vulnerable, to open up to visitors, to realise people did care.

Tony would visit, conversations were small but they were there. He would suggest he'd have to plug his phone into the socket and removee plugs that were keeping her around, telling her it was more important. They would laugh, a few digs here and there. He'd show her stupid photos on his phone of the new kid, Peter. Jealousy was there slightly, but she held her own and smiled.

They would avoid one certain topic, the man prayed she had simply said what she said out of sudden adrenalin or a daze due to medication, she hadn't mentioned it since. He would have to figure something out there.

Steve would lounge around for a few hours, coffee and bagels in hand as he would prefer morning visits. She assumed this was because of his busy schedule inbetween training and missions. Reaity was he absolutely despised the thought of watching them check over her liver, or her wounds. His stomach was far from weak, but seeing Y/N, a girl he saw as a little sister to him, he couldn't bare it. He would shyly present sketches he had completed in his notebook. Y/N beamed at the drawings, small sketches of the kitchen, the training room, Bucky.

Oh, Bucky. She hadn't seen him for a while, the topic was brushed off whenever Y/N would bring his name up, Steve would hold down a smile in return and hastily change the subject. Sam hadn't visited, she assumed he was still mad at her. That was something that would have to be sorted. She sighed. What was going on?

Pulling herself to a standstill, she had finally made it to the common room. She never thought she'd miss the sight of a microwave, or a coffee table, yet here she stood in the darkness, clinging onto her blanket as she slowly padded through. She heard some noises, as if someone was choking-

Crying?

"Uh, hello?" She croaked, clearing her throat before repeating herself once more.

Sniffles followed, a male. She could just make out a large shadow slumped on the long sofa, head bent down to stare at the floor.

The small glint from the moon's reflection onto metal caused a lump to form in her throat. Her hand hung over her mouth.

Bucky.

"B-Bucky?" He inhaled sharply, breathing out in shaky, shallow breaths.

"Hey doll." He tried to sound enthusiastic, normal-

"What're you listening to?" She questioned, hearing the soft lulls of music in the background.

"Oh, M-Sam set my music up on my phone, 'was just listening to somethin before bed."

"Oh right, what's it called?"

Sniffle.

"What's going on? Why are you crying?" She got closer to the sofa, her hand held onto the arm of it. His head was in his hands, rubbing his face callously and ran them through his hair.

"Nothing doll, nothing. Jus- Why are you even up here?" He looked in her direction, head tipped to the side.

"I was hungry, I cant exactly eat much, but I wanted to find something." He laughed dryly, before tipping his head to rest on the back of the sofa, staring off at the ceiling.

"Heh, of course. Inquisitive little thing." He trailed off, his voice going low. This wasn't like Bucky at all.

"Bucky, what's wrong?" She slowly approached him, her strong arm supporting her weight as she sat.

"Y/N-" He looked in her direction, she was close enough to see him this time. His eyes were raw, the skin around them looked thin and dark, he hadn't been sleeping. His hair was tousled and matted, lip quivering as he stared at her.

"God, look at you."

"Why does everyone keep saying that." She spoke as if she knew the answer, her eyes locked onto his.

"These few weeks of you being away, made me more aware of how you tie us together. Tony's a shell, Steve's a nervous wreck, Sam is..." He trailed off, as if he coulnt finish his sentence.

"I haven't seen Sam, or you, since the incident." She breathed, a hitch in her voice revealed she was close to tears already. Whether it was the sudden vulnerability, or the sight of Bucky crying in the common room alone, she didn't quite know. Her cheeks were a painful red, her hands gripped tight to her lap.

"I know, I know. 'M so sorry Y/N I just couldn't bare to see you so hurt. I wanted nothing more than to just pull you tight and hold you there, you were looking up at me like I had done something so incredible. I hadn't, I did what should be done." He choked, wiping his eyes in his shirt.

"Just felt like you were all I had, clinging onto you as if you had to be there because I am...well-" She gestured to herself, quickly gripping the blanket on her lap again.

"I hate that you think that." He stared at her, his knee bobbing up and down on the carpet.

"Hate what?"

"You think that I'm all you got...or the fact you think you only had me around because I saved you." He stated, she moved slightly closer, unable to answer.

"Y/N, I have never seen Sam cry in the years I have been around the man, he was...not good. This isn't to guilt trip you, I'm only saying this because I need to drill into that precious head of yours that you have all of us. Well or unwell, whatever in between. You have us. We have you. We need you." His voice wobbled but he kept his composure, her hand gripped the sofa tight.

"I don't know how I'm supposed to do this." She spoke small, she felt small.

"You need to know that you can trust us, trust me. Because for a while it felt like you were all I had, even before Steve. I can't let you feel that way." He placed his flesh hand over her shaking one.

"I do." She looked up at his steel eyes, her stomach flipped over and over.

"Okay." He spoke, not moving a fraction of an inch.

There they led, close enough to feel the heat radiate from eachother but not enough to embrace it, touch it or cherish it. They sat in the dark, the slight beam of moonlight hit reflections across the room, the elongated grey sofa was practically a safe haven. The warmth of the blanket across their laps kept them going, gripping onto eachothers hands for dear life. Neither one of them wanted to pressure the other into more, this moment was fragile. But neither one of them wanted to leave, they wanted to stay put. Embrace it. Cherish it.

"Y/N?" Bucky whispered into the darkness.

"Hm?"

"It's called _'The Wisp Sings'_ by Winter Aid. 'M not quite sure on what it means yet, but I think I like it."

Y/N smiled to herself, tucking the blanket further under her chin.

"I think I like it too."


	8. Mirror Image

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plot has indeed thickened lovelies.  
> PSA: I did some editing with Tony and Y/N's conversation at the end of chapter 6, as I believed that turn wouldnt make sense with how I want to go with this story. So in order to prevent confusion, I would suggest reading that before this chapter (chapter 7 has been left untouched dont worry).
> 
> Thoughts and criticisms greatly appreciated.
> 
> Until next time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's picking up.
> 
> I have been applying for University and have interviews for the next few weeks so I plead you bare with me, I strive to stick to the end with this story, and I hope you all do too. Last chapter we were around 500 and now we are at nearly 900?
> 
> Holy shit.
> 
> Thank you.

She felt a twitch shoot through her, a shiver almost.

She felt cold, and warm at the same time. Sunlight danced across her face and across the common room. The TV was silent, the fireplace chewing up the small flame, the fleece blanket cocooned around Y/N's frame as she stirred from her deep slumber. 

The clock on the wall read _1:30pm._

_Had she really slept that long?_

She turned to her side, and saw a white vest. Her head was led on someone's chest.

Her head was led on Bucky's chest.

The coldness felt was the rivets of metal that had molded into her flesh, her hair spewed across her face from her well needed rest. Before she could react, Bucky shifted slightly.

"You good?" He grumbled, his voice rumbled against her ear. She began to wonder what to do with herself next, the awkwardness of the morning after wasn't something you'd expect from a quick cry and deep philisophical conversation, but Y/N always landed herself in these predicaments. She pushed herself up, now sat upright with Bucky's metal arm draped across the back of the lounge sofa. She brushed wisps of hair from her eyes, blinking rapidly as she tried to process what had happened.

"Yeah, I'm good." She spoke, fumbling with her hands.

Why was she so nervous?

Why did she feel so warm but sickly at the same time?

_Why was he still staring at her?_

"Good, I'm glad. I'm really glad." He smiled, a genuine, warm beam.

That was nice to see.

"Good." She whispered, feeling his flesh hand grip hers tightly, he could acknowledge her nervousness around him, not because it was him but because she wasn't quite used to being open. To being seen. He liked that she wasn't someone who could just pour out so naturally, he liked that she had that type of independency, some sort of control over her emotions. He liked how she spoke to him, how she would smile in his direction always, how she would get so caught up on certain words he would spew in rambles. He liked how she remembered so much about him. He really liked how she hadn't got up yet.

"I uh- didn't realise I had even fallen asleep, I'm sorry for that." She spoke softly, grazing her spare hand across her bare legs.

"Don't sweat it, I'm guilty of falling asleep here all the time, 'dont think the night is too fond of letting me rest."

"Do you sleep here often?"

"Often is the word, although I feel like I don't really sleep usually I just kinda- well you saw I guess." He chuckled, now he felt nervous.

"I do the same- well in my room. I just kinda sit and watch out the window or sit in the shower for a while."

"How come the shower?" He was curious, as his apartment was two rooms down from hers and he never heard much noise from her end.

"Oh, just feels nice to be warm in there. Like the steam and such. I just kinda sit and wait." She felt small, very small in this moment. This was dangerous territory, this was personal doings that shouldn't be nonchantly spoken. You sound crazy Y/N, utterly cra-

"Wait for what, exactly?"

"For it to stop." The urge to clamp her hands around her mouth, superglue her lips together, bind herself in a soundproof room was all too intense in that moment.

He nodded, understandably so. He didn't move at all, and Y/N felt like her heart was about to be coughed up.

"I-I understand, completely and utterly. The steam feels like a hug sometimes, other times..a noose. But theres more dangerous things we could do, keep that in mind." He held a tight smile, as he felt his chest ache. It fell quiet. The one thing Bucky didn't like, was how Y/N had felt the exact way he did.

"Do you want to get something to eat? I mean I know the kitchen is just so far away but...I don't mind." She smiled, she was nervous. 

"Well I'd be happy to come with you, to support you on such a long journey." He winked, slouching back in the chair before hoisting them both up.

"C'mon, lets grab somethin' edible."

As they were about to stand, the lift doors opened.

A tactical vest and canvas bag dropped to the floor in a heap.

"Y/N?" A shaky voice found itself in the room.

Y/N's head twisted.

"Sam." She whispered, fighting the sob that clawed through her throat. Sam held his hand to sheild his eyes as he looked to the side, as if he was embarassed or too scared to even look. Steve patted his back, as if to encourage him to go forward. She couldn't tell if he was about to cry or punch her. He took a very steady breath before pacing towards her in a hurry. Her lip quivered and she felt her body run to him. She crashed into his hard chest, his arms encased her into him, as if he was too scared to let her go. 

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for not visiting." He let out, she wrapped her arms around his middle as he spoke.

"It's okay, its okay Sam I promise." She sniffed, he let her go and she rubbed her face.

"I can't- my god babygirl you had me so worried." He breathed out.

"I'm sorry." She felt her twitch in anxiousness, pressing her nails into her palm. He shook his head, pulling her in for another hug as Steve and Bucky approached them.

"I hear you guys were about to eat?"

\---

Chinese food sprawled out across the counter as the four sat around and indulged in their boxes. Light chatter between the three men kept the atmosphere happy, how things used to be. Y/N opted to stay quiet, simply enjoying the positivity of their interaction, fiddling her noodles with her chopsticks as she swiped another spring roll from Sam's plate. He was too immersed in expressing his devotion for whatever sports team he supported that was apparently _"better than Grandpa Steve's."_

After Sam had come home, Y/N showered by herself and managed to pull herself to dress decently, a simple oversized sweater and some black jeans. She had even brushed her hair, something she had missed being in the infirmary. Y/N didn't feel all too together, in terms of her mental state. She knew her and Sam would have words, and arguments later, but she was happy to have seen him, she didn't quite realise how much she relied on his company before the incident.

Something she would have to thank him for later on.

"Honestly Sam, you need to brush up on your history." Steve muffled as he chewed down the last of his spring rolls at once as Sam rolled his eyes, a forkful of rice lodged into his mouth.

"Whatever you say, big guy."

Y/N chuckled, unaware of Bucky's sly glances into her direction every once in a while. He had placed himself next to her, facing opposite his friends. Steve rose his eyebrow when they were all seated, expecting Bucky to opt to sit next to his bestfriend. But Steve didnt interject, seeing Y/N and Bucky cuddled on the sofa moments before they had come in made Steve realise there had to be more to the swapped seating than he was letting on. Not that he minded, seeing his best friend interact with someone else other than him was new, but nice.

As the battle between the century old soldiers and the "milennials" closed, plastic was gathered or moreso piled into the middle of the counter as they had finished their meals.

"So where did you go?" She dotted her eyes between Sam and the tactical gear he had on him.

"What do you mean?" His face fell, his eyes darted to Steve as if he needed approval from a superior, to which Steve's face hardened.

"The bag? The gear, I mean come on I know you're not a fashion icon but going out in your gear for groceries, that's a tad out there, even for you." She chuckled, they stayed radio silent. 

Okay so the positivity hadn't lasted too long.

"Sam?" Her stomach churned, she watched Steve shuffle in his pockets and look down at the table.

What the fuck?

"We just went on a simple scouting mission, looking out for some things."

"What _things_ , Sam?"

As if his timing couldn't get any worse, Thor walked in the room. Before Y/N could interject, Natasha piled in, aswell as Bruce, Cho even Clint.

"What's going on?" Y/N spoke, her hand tightened on the marble counter top. She must have missed the message that it had been "ignore Y/N day" on some memo board because no one answered her, they simply crowded around in the lounge. She glanced to Bucky, worry painted over his face. 

She shot up from the counter and joined the others in the living room, Tony barged through but stayed close to the back of the room, his white vest covered in oil, hair spiked in awkward directions and a bead of sweat dripped down his face, looking closer Y/N's stomach dropped.

He looked worried, very worried.

The TV lit, as Bruce hastily switched through channels in a panic. The group grumbled and practically yelled at him.

"Bare with me a second there's a thousand channels on this stupid thing." He pushed his glasses on his nose and slammed the remote down as the channel erupted.

"BREAKING NEWS-"

Y/N's hands gripped the lounge as she fought back the urge to vomit. She felt all eyes on her.

_"Breaking News this Afternoon, that the terrorist organisation known as H.Y.D.R.A have been circulating in underground businesses once again. Now, to clarify, the validity of these claims are skewed but it has been a bounty has surfaced for their retired assassin better known as Y/N "Stark" from the Avengers Ini-"_

It was as if white noise has seeped into her ears, everyone in the room now knew.

"Y/N-" Tony breathed.

They wanted her back.

She needed to get out the room.

_Get out, get out, get out._

She raced to the lift and threw herself in the lift but before she could hide behind the metallic doors, a hand pushed them apart.

Everyone knew.

She sunk to the floor, her hands entangled in her hair as she screamed.

They wanted her back.

Everyone knew. Everyone knew. Everyone knew.

_Everyone knows, everyone knows, everyone knows._

"Y/N?" Bucky's face was white, he stood behind Steve.

A ghost of a man.

"You weren't supposed to know."

The one thing Bucky didn't like, was how Y/N had felt the _exact_ way he had.


	9. Hysteria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a middle ground chapter, the main plot thickens and we get some content of Y/N's significance to the team. 
> 
> And I wonder who comes into the story now :)
> 
> Dont fret, Bucky will be there shortly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya boy got into 4 University choices! Big things await this story, and I will be extending the chapter number. Sooner this college year is over I can focus on this progressing even more. Enjoy.   
> See you in the next one.

"You're..."

"Y/N!"

"Y/N STOP!"

The term "Autopilot" refers to the brain and body working subconsciously, you have no control over what you are doing. This tends to come from routine, working constantly in the same enviroment, manner and timeframe can cause someone to be progressive without any knowledge of it. The brain is completely active despite us not putting any thought, energy into telling our bodies what to do. You can complete obscure tasks with no knowledge of them. It's not exactly sleepwalking, as sleepwalking of course needs you to be asleep in order for your body to full into that state.

Autopilot is a tough one, as if you are stuck between a limbo of presence and subconscious, you're not all there but you can do things you need to.

I fell into Autopilot when I felt Bucky lunge towards me, his hands about to loop around my neck. I was barely recovered, how I gathered the strength to shove the brunette into the glass cabinet a few meters from my feet I dont know. My body worked as if it was beneath me, as if I was holding onto a steering wheel and driving perfectly at one hundred miles an hour. My chest heaved for air. Yet I took off towards the stairs despite everyone clambouring towards me.

"Y/N stop please!"

"What the FUCK-"

Except Tony, Tony stood exactly where he was, as if he had turned to stone. Expression still, you'd assume he was dead if it wasn't for his teeth digging hard into his bottom lip.

I ran through the hallways faster than I thought I was even capable of, whether it was the adrenalin or pure fear that raced through my body I dont know, my hand clutched onto my knife, knuckles close to bursting from my skin as I felt my stomach churn. It was all too real, too similar.

Too soon.

I hadn't quite processed where I was, I was on the fifth floor by now, maybe the eighth? I couldn't quite make out the shape of the number with my vision hazed, I heard footsteps getting closer, my head practically rattled from the sound. Where the fuck do you go in a house full of supersoldiers and assassins?

Apparently you break for the nearest dead end coriddor and hope for the best.

My stomach felt like it was going to give out on me, yet I hastily forced myself through one of the doors to my left and slammed it closed. The fight or flight began to kick in, my body was telling me to flight- and fly quickly.

Confrontation has seemed to not be a strong suit of mine anymore.

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck-" I rattled, my hands rubbing through my hair as I grabbed the closest jacket and duffel bag, throwing in some random clothes I had found in the room into the bag. No personal belongings needed, not that I had them. Cascaded on the side was a simple handgun and a couple throwing knives. These residing SHEILD agents were thick as shit. 

_Treat it as a mission._

_Okay, breathe Y/N, fucking breathe._

The window was big enough to jump from for sure, whether I'd survive the fall I wasn't too fussed, the breakway for my motorbike wasn't too risky, breaking the fall could be okay with the bag. 

_Your stomachs the issue not your fucking lungs._

I pried the window open.

_Good, now evaluate an exit path.  
_

"Y/N, I strictly advise against that jump, the members of the COMPOUND are demanding to see you-"

"FRIDAY, not a good time." I mumbled.

"Miss Y/N-"

"FRIDAY shut the FUCK UP!" I yelled, observing the bedroom door close to being kicked open, the half-assed barrier was falling apart.

My feet wobbled beneath me as I stood, duffel bag in hand. That was a big drop.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

"Y/N STOP!" I heard Sam yell from the other side of the long room, the group had stupidly crowded together in panic, ignorant to the fact I was about to break for it.

I saw _him_ , sickly pale, raw red eyes, a look in his eyes where he couldnt decipher whether he wanted to help me or kill me.

"I'm sorry."

\----

"Any news?" Clint exhaled, kicking his feet on the stool in front of him. Clint and Thor were slumped over their dinner, Nat scoffed and pushed his legs off, sitting herself down with her laptop in hand. She wouldn't show it, but she was worried sick. She had become fond of Y/N despite her assumptions the redhead despised her. Despite the lack of blood relation, she could see you had Tony's wit and humour, always making sly comments in his direction when he pissed someone off. She loved it, Tony loved it, they loved her.

Which is why seeing Tony's body slack against the wall in the same position for four hours haunted her.

"This isn't funny Clint." She glared, typing away at her keyboard in search for something, anything.

"Not saying it is, just saying we might have some weight off our shoulders now-"

"The _fuck_ did you just say?" Tony spoke, he didn't yell, which scared them even more.

"I just said-"

"Oh I know what you said, what makes you think you have any right to speak that way?" Tony hoisted himself off the ground to the kitchen, particularly in the direction of Clint.

"Tony-"

"Don't Nat." He looked her dead in the eye, if it weren't for his wobbling lip, she'd assume he was going to go for her too. She brushed it off, she knew he was in pain. She understood. Tony got close to Clint's face, extremely close. Thor was quiet, fumbling with something in his hands as he felt the tension brew. He knew how it felt to lose someone to themselves, a pain all too familiar aswell as a pain he has had to relive over and over and over-

"Would you like if I said the same if you lost one of your kids, Barton?" Tony spat, Clint's face went pale.

"Didn't think so." He scoffed, pushing himself to the fridge. Clint took a deep breath and left the area. Nat shook her head, too stubborn for an apology.

"Do we have any locations on Lady Y/N?" Thor asked Natasha, she wasn't awfully used to the man being so small with a voice so loud. She was rather shocked.

"Umm, not yet Thor." She forced a smile in his direction. Thor nodded sadly, and fumbled with his hands some more.

"Is everything okay, Thor?"

"Yes, yes of course I'm fine." He forced one back, she looked closer to see a beaded bracelet inbetween his fingers.

"What's that?" She asked, pointing at the purple string.

"This? This is a gift given to me by Lady Y/N a few years ago, she gave it to me before a mission.

The memory caused him to grin as he showed Natasha the small item. It was clearly handmade, a few knots here and there with purple beads of all sizes littered along it.

-She even gave one to Loki, his face was incredible! He became so offended by it, but I never saw him take his off. We treasure memories like these in Asgard, my mother, Frigga, would always tell me certain items hold memories and even the person to them. I treasure this very much." He smiled sadly, twirling the end of the bracelet slowly between his large, calloused fingers. In any other circumstance, Natasha would have smirked at the large man with such a child-like item. But it had her close to tears.

"That's really nice of her." She looked up at him from her laptop, careful to look away when she felt tears spring.

She had gotten soft.

"It is, she's a very kind woman. I know she's not well but like my brother, I see the sadness in her. I see her heart and it is, to me, golden." He murmured, wiping his eye as he chuckled. He thought of Loki, and how he would have reacted to her going missing, what he would do.

"She is, rather kind." Natasha spoke, as if she couldn't get the words out.

"She'll be back, Lady Widow, I just know it." He beamed, before getting out of his seat.They were startled as the doors to the labs slammed, Tony had sped off from the kitchen. She shook her head, knowing it was best to give him time. As if on cue, Steve and Sam stumbled into the kitchen, doused in sweat and dirt. They slumped in the spare stools and dropped their bags to the floor.

"I take it-"

"No idea...where she has gone." Sam practically gasped for air, they'd be gone for hours, searching every inch of the forest, the tracks made in the mud, the outskirts of the city into the suburbs- she was no where to be found.

"That girls goin' to be the death of me." Sam murmured as he gulped down some water, drained was an understatement. It was one in the morning, they'd been searching ever since they watched her jump.

"How she survived that fall...I don't quite understand." Bruce chimed, stirring his cup of tea with a spoon as he slouched against the sink.

"What do you mean?" Steve questioned the doctor, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"Does no one even recount the floor she jumped from?" They all shook their heads, they simply focused on finding her fast.

"She jumped from the eleventh floor, that's not a survivable height, especially for someone of her build, her health especially factors into her survival rate. She..."

"What?" Sam sat silently, wincing at their discovery. Of course he knew, he always knew she was a tad too strong for her build, she always managed to throw a punch a tad too hard during sparring matches. She'd always say it was the "adrenalin" but he knew better, he saw it from her face. The same expression he saw in Bucky's face whenever he used his metal arm. You can never get quite used to the strength.

"She should have died."

"But she _didn't_ Bruce." Steve chimed, arms folded.

"Steve, her survival rate was below _units_ , it was impossible yet _she did it._ " He placed his mug down, pulling the tablet from his lab coat. He rewind the footage.

_Y/N stands_

_Y/N jumps_

_Y/N is gone._

"How on Earth?" Steve spoke, Natasha was stunned.

How the fuck-

"Replay the video Green man." Tony spoke, approaching the group.

He complies.

_Y/N stands_

_Y/N jumps_

_Y/N is gone_

"Play it again." He's emotionless, staring at the screen practically without blinking.

"Tony-"

"Play it Banner." He's completely still.

So, he plays it again.

_Y/N stands_

_Y/N jumps_

_Y/N is gone_

"Again." Bruce sighs, and rewinds the video.

_Y/N stands_

_Y/N jumps_

"THERE! There!" He points, pausing the screen to a slightly blurred frame. The security cameras of the Tower were slick, crystal clear- they had to be to ensure the safety of everyone inside from whatever was outside. 

So why was this one different?

"I don't understand?" Steve questioned, beginning to worry about Tony's stability.

"She jumps, then she's gone. Where do you see her fall?!" He yells, almost giddy with his discovery.

"You...don't." Realisation hit Natasha like a ton of bricks.

"She vanished, like that! Like nothing! Oh my god you beautiful girl!" He kissed the screen and raced off to the labs.

"Where are you going?!" Steve yelled, beginning to follow the man to his 'lair.'

"Finding my daughter, old man, thats what!"

Natasha stayed seated, the tablet in hand. As much as it pained her, she kept replaying the video over and over until it was burned into her eyelids.

_Jumps_

_Gone_

_Jumps_

_Gone_

_Jumps_

_Gone_

_Jumps_

_Gone_

_Jumps_

_Gone_

_Jumps_

_Gone_

_Jumps_

_Gone_

_Jumps_

_Gone_

Until she saw the speck of coloured fog, mist, in the split of a frame.

"No way."


	10. Poetry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All they want to know is
> 
> Where the hell is she?
> 
> Bucky POV and a lot of plot development.

It all felt so cold. Colder than anything he had felt before, he didn't know how to feel. He felt sick, moreso due to his reaction to the incident. Bucky didn't know what took over him, to attack her- but the name of HYDRA in that moment he went into autopilot, straight to fighting. He blamed himself for her disappearing, seeing her fall from that window caused a wave of guilt to rush through his body, shuddering at the memory.

She looked terrified of him.

He hated to admit it, but she looked the same she did when she was in her episode, pure fear of everyone around her.

And he had contributed to that. That's what he told himself atleast.

His door had been shut for days, he didn't want to leave the room. Charcoal grey walls enclosed him, a security blanket from what was outside. He wasn't a recluse by any means, his time spent with HYDRA taught him to now embrace the outside world, to enjoy his time around those he classed as friends. He was always in the gym, or talking with Steve and Sam. But this, this was all too much. He didn't know whether she was alive, his mind had drifted to awful places, imagining her dead on the gravel, the thought of her body twisted-

He shook himself out of it, eyes tightly closed as he clutched the blanket closer to his arms. It smelt like her. The beige blanket so soft to touch, he nuzzled his face into the fabric and breathed in. He choked a sob, curling into a ball. He was a soldier, an ex-assassin, and here he was torn apart by the thought of the girl hurt- because of him.

His girl.

This feeling of pain was new. The pain he had once felt in the arms of HYDRA became a normality, a dull pain that formed into a throbbing headache. He got used to it. But this pain, the feeling of loss killed him. He now understood Steve's heartbreak, aswell as Steve's determination to search for him. Bucky wanted to do the same.

Whether these feelings stemmed from the waves of anxiety and trauma of the past few weeks, he was unsure, but he knew he cared deeply for her- more than anyone else. How he wished to be pressed against her, sleeping soundly. A sense of normality was all that they needed. The thought of her vulnerability exposed to the outside world, where no one could protect her, tore him apart inside out. She was strong, they all knew it. But strength is nothing against those evil bastards. His chest heaved as he screamed into the blanket. He just wanted her to be safe, he needed to know what she was.

He needed her.

He sobbed into the pillow, pulling at his hair in anguish.

The door to his room swung open, he had no energy to even yell for privacy or the time to as Steve rushed to his side.

"Y/N?"

"Buck, Buck I'm here okay? Is it another nightmare?" The blond placed his hand on his friends shoulder gently, attempting to pull the man out of his thoughts.

Bucky buried his head into the pillow beneath him, tightening his fists in his hair.

"Buck, please, talk to me." Steve choked back his tears, pressing his head to Bucky's as he knelt beside the bed. He gripped his friend's flesh hand and squeezed it tight. Bucky was awake, he was aware as he squeezed back tightly.

"Where is she Steve?" He cried. Steve grimaced, his lips pressed tight together.

"I'm not too sure Buck, but Tony might have a lead. I was gon' wait till we were certain to tell you but yeah...we might be able to get her." Steve brushed his hand up and down Bucky's forearm gently, trying to ease him out of his panicked state.

"I need her, Steve. Need her to be safe."

He was quiet, sniffling back cries inbetween breathing until he pushed himself to sit up.

"Are you sure...that we have a lead?" He spoke quietly, rubbing a hand over his face.

"Yeah, we've got a lot to figure out. For one, who leaked this in the first place, but also what threats we may be facing." They both knew what that meant without having to speak the forbidden word.

"I wan' help Steve. I gotta get her, I pushed this to happen I-"

"No Buck, you didn't. I...I understand your reaction, you can make up to her once we actually get her but please don't beat yourself up over this now, it's not worth it. She wouldn't want that would she?"

Bucky looked down from Steve's gaze, before sending him a small nod.

"Right, I understand you want to help, I do, but you aren't ready yet. You gotta understand what this involves, moreso who this involves. And I...I can't lose you to them too Buck. You've come a long way-"

"I have to Steve, please." He looked up at the blond with pure, agonizing pain in his steel eyes, Steve had sympathy written all over his face. He did get it, he really did. But losing Buck again was a fear of his, as much fear he felt watching Y/N fall from the window.

"I'll talk to Tony."

\----

"NO! No fucking way!" Tony yelled, slamming his chair against the table. He was completely dishevelled, his hair in wild tufts of curls, his eyes were adorned with rings of black, hands shaky from his indulgence of caffiene. Steve was stood other side of the table, Bucky sat next to him. Natasha continued clicking away on her keyboard as the men argued, Thor was quiet once again, grimacing at the words his friends were spitting at eachother.

"You can't be serious Tony, he knows HYDRA better than any of us do!"

"That's exactly my point! He was one of them! I don't want him waltzing through and putting her in more danger!"

"You seriously think he would do that?"

"YES! I DO!"

"I'm sorry Tony but that's ridiculous. He's offering to put his life on the line to help get Y/N back to you and you're seriously going to turn that down?"

"YES!"

Natasha sighed ever so slightly. She knew Steve was right, but Tony just didn't want to hear it.

"I don't want another one of _them_ putting their hands on her." Tony pointed right at Bucky, Bucky's fists tightened in his lap as he tried his hardest to hold back from grabbing Stark and flinging him through the conference room.

"He isn't _ONE OF THEM_!" Steve yelled, slamming his hand down on the table, shaking Nat's laptop. Sam shook his head, before walking out of the conference room.

Tony was quiet, pressing his hand against his head to somehow cure the throbbing headache.

"I think you're forgetting Y/N was ALSO one of them!" Steve continued.

"Don't you dare compare my daughter to him!" He spat, Bucky attempted to lunge at the man before Tony was yanked back by Natasha.

"I don't know what either of you think this is going to achieve, but right now Y/N is somewhere out there, cold and afraid for her life. Steve's right, Tony. Bucky knows HYDRA better than any of us. If he is willing to make the risk then so be it, he isn't going to hurt her Tony." She spoke coldly, the room fell silent.

She continued.

"We've all seen the footage, HYDRA tech is advanced but not advanced enough to make her disappear into thin air." Their heads quipped at the redhead as she played the recording on the projector. 

This was Bucky's first time seeing it.

He swallowed, his hand tightly gripping the table as he stared at the screen. Steve acknowledged this and placed his hand on the brunettes back, patting it gently.

"I'm okay Steve." He murmured, unable to face his friend.

"We need to figure out where she went, or rather who she went with." Natasha spoke, pointing to the flash of smoke that followed before Y/N was able to hit the ground.

"We've analysed this from all angles from the CCTV footage in the compound, and it just shows the exact same thing. FRIDAY even said no one else was in the area for hours before or after this. Just us." Bruce chimed from behind his computer.

As if on cue, FRIDAY ran by series of reports she had gathered from that day, logs of people who went passed the front and back enterance sensors, to who was in the kitchen at what time. Bucky's face went pink from the flashes of CCTV of the living room early hours of the morning, Y/N's head snug against his shoulder with the blanket draped across them. He avoided Stark's eyes at all costs.

"So did she vanish? Kinda like teleporting?" Peter, the new kid, broke the silence. He looked fondly at the teenager, before looking back at the screen.

"That's what I'm trying to figure out. She's alive, for certain. Something had to have taken her."

"Or someone." Thor murmured.

"What was that goldie?" Tony quipped, all eyes were on the blond.

"I thought you all would have gathered that this isn't Midgardian technology. Sure, this HYDRA seem advanced from Winter's arm and Y/N's training, but this isn't that. It has to be magic."

"Y/N's not some magician Thor, trust me she'd have gotten to those bottles much faster if she was." Tony scoffed, pacing around the room slowly.

"I'm not saying _Lady Y/N_ is...Stark." He sent a knowing look into his direction.

He paused in his steps.

"Don't be ridiculous, Thor. He's dead." Bruce spoke, standing from his chair to meet Tony, both staring closely at the screen.

"He always is, until he somehow isn't." Thor smiled sadly. Natasha turned to Steve, their expressions wide and in utter confusion about this discovery.

"Surely he couldn't have-"

"No, it's not possible." Tony snapped, tugging the sleeves of his cardigan down.

"Is it not?" Natasha spoke softly, pressing her hand to Tony's arm. He flinched, unable to put his guard down in this very moment.

"No, it's not possible, Nat. Not at all." He glared at her.

Bucky rose his head up slowly from his hands.

"Who is he Steve?" Steve looked at his friend with a confused expression some would liken to a lost puppy.

"Err..."

"Loki Laufeyson, Son of Odin." FRIDAY chimed, the projector flew a skew of images of the raven haired man, photos that looked like mugshots than decent photography.

"Him?" Bucky pointed, his eyes locked onto the cold stare.

"Yeah...him."

Something about the cold glare and evil smile paired with the group's sudden quietness from the photo of this 'Loki' made Bucky's stomach churn.

"Then we need to get her from him." He rose from his seat. Tony scoffed again, the action was practically a second language to him at this point.

"Not that easy pal." Steve pointed at the images on the board, the wreckage of cars- that was New York.

"He's not the easiest to get to back down-"

"He's a fucking asshole." Tony spat, glancing in the pair's direction before pressing his phone to his ear. 

Thor simply chuckled, Tony shot daggers in his direction with his glare, attempting to concentrate on the voice down the phone.

"It's Pepper." Nat whispered to Steve. Bucky's eyes were trained on the video footage, this guy was evil. He couldn't tear away from the sight of children screaming, rubble demolishing people in cars, flames engulfing those around.

"Despite his previous crimes, he really is not that bad." Thor spoke from behind Bucky, heavy handedly patting the soldier on the back before sitting next to him. Bucky rose his eyebrow at the God before looking back at the screen.

"If she's with him, she's safe. I can promise you that, James." Thor smiled, glancing down at his wrist. The beaded bracelet caught Bucky's attention.

"We had trained Y/N, when we had Loki in confinement. I sparred with her when she was young, feisty young warrior. Tony didn't trust Loki to be around any weaponry, let alone spar with his little one. So, my brother taught her small tricks, pranks if you will. He taught her to read properly, literature from this planet and ours." Bucky looked intently at Thor, watching the joy on his face as he spoke.

"Once Loki left, she began to indulge in those habits. I had left too, I would not say we are a cause for her drinking, but Loki did begin to blame himself a lot for it. Before he could come back, he...disappeared for a while."

"I'm sorry, Thor." He softly spoke, fiddling with his hands.

"Not to fret, James. That's all of the past. But I can assure you, if she is with him, he would not let harm come to her. That much I am sure."

"Thank you...but I think you should be reassuring Tony, not me." 

"You don't need reassuring, but you deserve to know. You care a lot for Lady Y/N, I can tell."

"I-I- Yeah I mean I do, we all do." He rushed.

"But you care _for_ her. You saved her in the wreck..."

Bucky was in awe, his mouth slightly agape.

"I-"

"And although I may seem out of touch by Midgard, I know a man who's smitten when I see one." Thor smirked.

"You'll save her James, I know it. I know she does too, deep in her heart, she knows you are going to find her. So thank you, for planting her with that hope."

"Thor..."

Before Bucky could continue, the conference room door swung back open, a panicked Tony with his phone pressed against his chest.

"Looks like you were right, big guy." He gritted, before rushing out of the room on the phone.

\-----

"I honestly cannot thank you enough-"

"Not to fret, love. After all, I do owe you."

"I'd say we would have to be even now." She felt a jacket drape over her shoulders.

"I doubt that'll ever be possible."

"Well, regardless, thank you."

It felt silent.

"Now, try and get some rest."

"As long as you do, too."

"Now, dove, a man of my strength doesn't need such a thing."

"Of course you dont."


	11. Allusive

"And you're only telling me this _now_ , Tony?"

"Pep, I was going to, I promise I was just-"

"Busy? Too busy to tell me that maniac has Y/N?"

Tony sighed, fatigued from this endless trips to and from the kitchen for another dose of coffee. It was 4 am, for him anyway. He had been up all night, sat in the kitchen studying the video for any clues that would show otherwise to it being Loki's doing. He was stumped.

"I don't know what to tell you, Pep. But we will get her back, just gotta find where they are."

"You will. Meanwhile we're dealing with a severe breach of privacy here, Tony. I don't know how this got out but it did, and we are screwed if anyone other than Loki gets a hold of her."

"I know, babe." He stared at the glass in front of him, catching his reflection in the light. He was exhausted, but he couldn't let up. He felt responsible, for her feeling she had to run, for her feeling she couldn't come to him for so long.

"And you're certain you know nothing? No way of this getting out, at all?" She pried, manicured nails tapping at her desk on the other side of the phone. He didn't know, but Pepper was in a similar position to Tony, piling paperwork across her desk of anything and everything related to Y/N. Newspapers, articles, YouTube comments- she had it all. But nothing that pressed to who leaked this.

"I'm completely lost, Pep." She knew those words alluded to other matters, but she didn't press the man. She pitied him, the way she couldn't just run over and hug him tight to her chest. But she had to keep strong, for his sake and for Y/N's.

"Tony, it's not your fau-"

"Don't, Pep. Please." He choked, gripping his pen tight in his hand. Silence only muttered down the line.

"I feel, in some way, I really have failed her more than they did." He sniffled, allowing the tears to fall on the counter below, a droplet landing on his phone.

"You know that isn't true, you saved her from them before, you can do it again. She's gone through a lot, but she loves you. We will find her, once we do we can help her properly, all of us together."

He chuckled, sniffling. " I don't think she'll like that as much as you think, Potts."

She smiled sadly, twirling her finger in circles absent-mindedly.

"I think she would, more than you think."

His laptop pinged again, another email alert.

"I gotta cut it short."

"I know, I'll speak to you soon."

He was about to hang up when he heard the woman say his name once more.

"Yeah?"

"Please look after yourself, you have a habit of destroying yourself over these things."

"This isn't just one of those things, I see her as my kid Pep, I won't sleep til I find her."

"I think Y/N would want to come home to you in one piece Tony." She retorted, staring at the framed photograph on her desk.

"Speak soon Pep." He hung up quickly, emitting a breath he didn't know he was holding. Exasperated, he hung his head in defeat, resting his cheek against the table as he crumbled. Loki wasn't the issue for Tony, not necesarily. He knew that the man wouldn't lay a finger on her, what worried him was that Loki was also a target for HYDRA, if they were able to get their hands on him also, they were done for.

Tony's eyes zoned out on the paper by his face, Y/N's stoic expression staring back at him. He looped his finger around her face, almost stroking the image.

"I'm sorry, kid."

"Need company?" Tony practically jumped out his skin, hands gripped on the countertop to steady himself.

"Jesus Christ-" He looked at the criminal for his near-death experience.

Wilson.

"Didn't realise how zoned out you were, I thought you were talking to someone." Sam spoke, dropping himself in the seat opposite Tony.

"I was just thinking out loud." Tony trailed off, glancing up at Sam. He was bruised, a purple lump forming on his dark skin, sweat practically beaded down his face and his knuckles were bandaged.

"Where have you been, Wilson?"

"Talking to someone." He grumbled, wincing as he pulled his hoodie off. His hands slipped into the opening of his bag, hands tight on a black book.

"I grabbed this from Y/N's room not too long ago, wasn't too sure what to make of it at first." He tossed it to Tony's open hands.

"Until?"

"Until I looked at the back and saw random sketches of some buildings. There's photographs too." Sam slipped two crumbled photographs from his hands. The photos were vastly different, one was a busy street of New York. The other, a dingy room with mountains of electrical equipment next to a surgeon's table.

"Are they linked?"

"To Y/N, yes. I've tried to trace the origin of the second but I don't get much other than..."

"Than what?"

"Siberia." He mumbled, discarding the photograph onto the table.

"I don't follow, she wasn't found in Siberia. I found her before we even found the twins, before Sokovia, I mean she was found in England." He studied the photograph carefully.

"That's all I've got Stark. That and the location of the first photograph, Bleecker Street."

"That's only in New York, search through a thousand apartments before we find the right one." He groaned, flipping through the black book. Jumbled text in messy handwriting paired with obscure drawings of machinery and holes, circles even.

"Are we sure it's Loki, Tony?"

"I don't know anymore, Sam. I really don't know." Sam had his arms crossed, leg bobbing slightly.

"Tony."

"Sam."

"I know you don't trust him, but I really think-"

"Sam." His tone was pressed.

"Bucky might know more than us, especially if we have Siberia in the mix now."

"I-I can't Sam, I can't have him near _any_ of this right now."

"I think it's a bit late for that." Sam chimed, before Tony could reply the elevator door opened, a shadow stormed through the living room with another, one with a sack on it's head.

She was focused, enraged even. Dressed in black tactical, she flung the figure onto the floor, boot pressed down on the neck. The figure attempted to scramble but was met with a kick in the stomach, the other relentlessly swinging their boot into the ribs of the figure.

"Found your mole." The redhead spat, gripping the figure by the collar when she heard them chuckle. Tony scrambled out of his seat, his watch clicked to layer his hand in armour. He grabbed the bag and ripped it off.

There sat in a brown suit and hair greasy and swept across the forehead, was Dr Flatt.

"You!" Tony's hands tried to wrap around the man's neck, before being held back by Sam.

Steve's voice could be heard from down the hallway, the Captain padded through the hallway with his sheild, just out of bed.

His eyes locked onto the man in front of him, putting two and two together.

"Who's this?"

The man smirked, yellow teeth stained smile mocked the group in front of him. Steve's body felt cold, he knew a HYDRA rat when he saw one.

Natasha pressed her knife into Dr Flatt's neck.

"We checked you over, god knows how many security checks." Tony felt his panic rise in his throat, he checked Flatt, he made sure he was fully qualified and trustworthy before allowing Y/N to go to his sessions.

"You did, but the tempation of alternative payment were for more alluring." He retorted, a thick accent seeped through. Tony pushed Sam from him, attempting to leave the room as quick as possible as his legs gave underneath him.

"Tony!" Steve grabbed the man and sat him down, watching his friend crumble beneath him.

"I-I-I did this."

"Yes you did." Flatt spat, quite literally as he felt a blow land on his cheek.

"HYDRA scum." Nat muttered, rubbing her hand across her knuckles.

"Oh you flatter me, Natalia." He looked up at the redhead, gleaming. Her face was stoic, but her stomach flipped.

"What's going on?" They heard a voice pierce the room, Bucky was stood, towel over his shoulder. A late night gym session always cured his insomnia, wearing himself down with complete exhaustion. His eyes locked onto the man in front of the group. His jaw clenched.

" _You_." The brunette glared at the man, his metal fist clenched tight. Steve rushed over to his friend to console him, but he was far gone. Images of Y/N falling replayed over and over. Sbe could be dead.

She could be dead.

She might be dead.

She might be dead, because of him.

Bucky shoved Steve's side and lunged at the man, the chair collapsed as Bucky straddled the man, landing punches into the figure below him repeatedly.

He heard a crack, a sickening laugh followed as Bucky landed his fists into the man's face.

" _Ты стал таким мягким, солдат._ " Flatt chuckled, his head lulling back as Bucky's hands wrapped around Flatt's neck. Bucky shook his head as he continued to lay into the man beneath him.

"Bucky, stop!"

His breath was short, he couldn't stop seeing her face

her body in the fire

the infirmary

the morning.

" _Маленькая кукла сейчас далеко._ " Bucky froze, his hands shaking before slamming the man's head into the floor.

There the soldier sat, to the side of Flatt, blood coating his hands.

"Bucky?" Steve got close to him, but Sam put his arm infront of him.

"Leave him, Steve." He whispered.

Bucky sat in silence. The others quickly scrambled to call Cho, hoisting Flatt into the infirmary. He was alive, for now.

Tony was hunched on the floor next to his stool, the photographs Sam had given him were in front of his feet.

He felt someone drop next to him.

"I'm gon' find her."

The soldier rest his head against the wall, metal armed slumped down.

Trickles of blood leaked across the floor.

"I know you will." He mumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ты стал таким мягким, солдат = You've become so soft soldier  
> Маленькая кукла сейчас далеко.= The little doll is far away now


End file.
